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[12 Apr 2008|02:40pm]

“When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.”

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QU- Artistic Freedom. [16 Feb 2008|10:25pm]
Tonight Kate & I have decided to show the latest installment of our online webcomic on Livejournal.

We don't really have the legal stuff to use the first few parts, so you'll all have to kind of fill in the story so far.

Last time we saw our heroes, they were captured in the lair of the sinister (& sensual) Miss Maplesex, the mannequin giant.

So, without further ado, here is:


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Actually we're just good friends... [13 Feb 2008|11:50pm]
So here is what a Wednesday night brings when a writer feels creative but not write-y, and has access to lots of photographs and a rudimentary understanding of stuff.

Yeah. ~shrug~

I don't know.

All the words are lyrics. Sometimes because they speak about the person, sometimes because the person speaks about the band.

I actually wanted to do more, but I had to stop once my fingers were so cold they could no longer type.
(The computer needed is in my bedroom that was once a garage, and the storms of late have damaged the roof so bad that it's about as cold in there as it is outside. so yeah.)

Tomorrow, I think. I'll do a few more.

They're fun.

Be seeing you.

And hey, I guess time could be spent in worse ways...
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Boba Fett?! Boba Fett!? Where?! [16 Jan 2008|02:03pm]
[ mood | you kidding? ]


After one day?

UIC is fucking awesome.

Now I Am aware, (as I'm sure you are as well) that this could very well turn around and make me look a fool for saying so, but as of this moment, not twenty minutes after finishing my fourth and last class of the day, I am damn pleased.

And even more excited.

Especially considering yesterday morning, when I Still wasn't in the UIC system and was registered for No classes (most of which started Monday or then) and was quite sure I wasn't going to get into anything I needed and was caught in yet another gang war between my ever-battling parents, I was in a not-so-good place.

I was convinced that since Kate and Shannon had gone back to ChamBam, and Martin had gone to Hyde Park, and all of my Ashbary-related friends have decided to just waste away some more at The-Coffeehouse-Formerly-Known-As-Prince Ashbarys, I would melt into a pool of self-pitying, rambly goop. I mean, the roof in my room is falling apart so bad that the temp has dropped too much and I had to move my cats into the main house. Even my cats had left me. (But not really. I gave them much time yesterday, and felt all the better for it. But I kitty-digress)

As of today, however, the sun has managed to peek down just a wee pinch, and it has me feeling damn shiny. I got into four classes (with two more pending to boot) and I like them all.

For the truly hardcore fans, here's a breakdown:
(All others, move down the line)

9am-English Lit. II: I was nervous about taking a class so early, and this morning proved my hesitance right. I was like three minutes late and I am going to have to find a concrete way to get into the city without paying for the assigned lots or getting towed. Anyhow, the instructor is a woman named Anna Kornbluh and she is younger and pretty and extremely vibrant (especially given the hour of day), which helps a lot. We talked about John Milton today, and I was sort of pissed I missed the first session on Monday because it sounded interesting. Today's was good too though, as she has very good presence and is one of those teachers who seems so genuinely interested in what they're talking about that they get lost in it from time to time, and fly all about. The class was good, my notes were good, and  I think I will manage with the time thing because I like this class.

10am-Critical Studies of Lit.: This class I was way (and am still a little) nervous about, because the critical thinking part of reading is where I tend to falter. I mean, if you know me, you know  I have no problem analyzing and talking the crap out of a story, but I have never been able to translate this to a formal paper, and that's the basis of this class. In fact, this class is the most essential of my English Major (Creative Writing Concentration) because it's the prerequisite of most everything else on the list. But once I got in there and saw that the 2Lecture, 1Discussion format was changed to 3 days of discussion/lecture, small class like High School, I was made even more afraid. Then I met the Professor. His name is Kir Kuiken and he is one of the most intense academic people I've ever shared a room with. (You know, the type that walks amongst the desks and eye-contacts people while he's lecturing, with all the raised tones and spastic hand movements ala a dramatic play.)
He reminds me of Brian Skaj from Big Dog Eat Child, except maybe Brian of Earth-2 where he was obsessed with English instead of math. He is younger-ish and has an earring and is just so engaging and frank that I can't see myself not getting better at critical papers by the time this course is up. Today we talked about Blake and his Lambs and what they "really" mean, and talked about how the Author of something is not the final word on the meaning of a work, but instead the work itself is. My mind was blown and I think this class will be interesting if nothing else. I just hope all the papers  (there's like 9 or 10, and the final is a ten-pager) don't kill me. I am confident. For once.

11am- American Lit.: This was in the same lecture hall that the 9am class is in (all of my classes happen in two rooms, which are adjacent to one another...=shweet) and I sat in the way back and listened to the teacher through his mic speaker. We talked about John Calvin and John Winthrop and Christianity and those wacky British Monarchs who made this country happen. The teacher is named Whalen and is older with a good sense of humor. Jokes were cracked. Laughs were had. I think this class will go down easy. (There was a snotty TA though, who somehow managed to live up to [and confirm] my mental image of snotty TAs, as he was the first one I'd met.) It has random pop quizzes which strikes me as odd, but seeing as how I've read most of the material before, and am excited to read the rest, I worry not. (We'll see though. I just a weird feeling writing that. Hmm. I'd better keep my eye on the snotty TA, as he'll no doubt be grading my shit.)

12am-Break. Got pizza with my dad. He works two minutes from where my classes are, and was very vocal of his happiness about me being here, which fro once didn't bother me. I am pretty proud of being at a University, even if it isn't a super-prestigious one. My mom hasn't been positive at all about it, and wants me to get a full time job so I can finally look like a "responsible adult" and "plan for my career" and today I explained to my dad that my mom doesn't know shit about taking tons of English classes and doing nothing but reading and writing so I can get a good degree and that that IS working on my career. It's called getting an education, and for the pressure she puts on me, I don't think she gets what that really means. She keeps telling me anecdotes about her work-friends' kids who are full-time workers and still manage to get a degree. She usually leaves out that their degrees aren't in majors that eat away your life like most based on the Arts do, and fails more to mention how miserable most of these people are. Of course, I know, there Are people who can (or more often, have to) work full-time and school full-time and have a relationship and are happy and whatnot. Of course there are. Just like there are people who never really give school a shot and work at the Wal-Mart until they retire. Huzzah for both sects, it takes all sorts to spin the world, I'm just not either one. There's people who manage to work full-time and hold up a family and be happy and like, I don't know, make pottery or something, and you don't see me throwing that in her face. ~sigh~ I hate when you have those...bitter tastes in your mouth. Like lint or something. I will be perfectly happy (well, maybe moderately content is more like it) when I find the shitty part-time job that will put some cash in my pocket and take the guilt off my slacker-shoulders. Mhm-mhm.  The pizza was quite good and rather fulfilling, as was the talk.


1pm-Gender, Sexuality, and Literature: This class was by far my favorite of the day. The instructor is called Costello and she is one of those birdlike, earthy, academic types with the slightly elevated voices and down to earth smile. She is middle aged and looks weathered and friendly, and the atmo in the room was great. We talked about feminist/anarchist Emma Goldman and gender roles and Knocked Up and it was just interesting. She said she had a good feeling about the class which is always nice. I talked a lot in this one, as it is again a smaller discussion based course. Most of the time we went over the question: "Would you want to stay with a partner who made half the income you make? Why or why not?" And then most everyone put their two cents in. I explained that I'm a writer who tends to like other writers or artists or creative types, so we'll likely both be poor together. The class just felt good. Does that make sense?

And that's it. MW I have that same schedule, and Fri I have four discussions back to back. We'll see how the two Lit discussion classes go, as they're with different people then the lecturers. Hopefully it'll be okay. For Lit. Crit. and GSL though, it'll be the same class, so that'll be sweet.

I'm sitting in the UIC library now (which is, amazingly, also adjacent to my two buildings) and it is weird and spacey and I couldn't find the comic books so I sat down on the computer. To put this down. This feeling of finally having a sense of movement as a student, and to a degree, as a peep. I am probably overblowing the whole thing, and my next entry will be weeks from now, as I complain at great length about how much my classes suck, but for now I will sit and stew in this warm feeling of accomplishment, while it lasts.

Besides, it's pretty cool going to school in the shadow of the Sears Tower. It feels vaguely dramatic.


Be seeing you.

And I didn't even get into the list of ideas this place is popping into my head. Man oh man. I did a lot of jotting on the lil moleskine today, with my Lamy pen, while listening to the Tori Amos.

Weird, huh?

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Hell Freckles, I knew you wanted it. Just didn't know how bad. [01 Nov 2007|10:32am]
So yesterday was Halloweens. I didn't do much except watch Disturbia and write a whole lot about professional killers.

The movie (Disturbia) was okay, if a little too hip for my liking.

~~~("Quick-we want the kids in the audience to identify with Shia-Kid. Show him with an XBox360. Now with an iPod! Now with a PsP! Now with iTunes! Now with a mall-bought faded Ramones t-shirt! Now have him refer to the "jocks and bimbos" at school! Good!)~~~

But the thrills were decent and that Shia boy is damn likeable. He will be a famous actor leading man type in a few years. I know it.

Funnily enough, i felt the same way about Transformers. Except it was a Strokes t-shirt instead of The Ramones. Both movies had entire scenes of exposition dedicated to Shia's character oogling over the impossibly hot high school crush doing impossibly hot things.

~~~("Oh, why don't I fix your car in my jean mini and bend over so my tan tummy and chest are glistening in the sweat and sunlight" & "Oh, why don't I take my shirt off in front of my bedroom window and then walk away teasingly, not aware I'm being watched...then I'll go for a swim in my lil bikini. Mm!")~~~

As someone who has stared through many a window, I can say for sure that girls never just take off their shirts and walk away. Believ it or not, girls don't tend to randomly strip much at all, unless they're changing clothes or something. Maybe someone should pass this along to some movie producers.

Transformers was funny though, and half-enjoyable. Ish.

There's this thing that's happening with CGI in adventure type movies that I think really needs to stop. It's when there's a climactic scene, and because the filmmakers Can go big and insane and epic, they go much farther than neccasary. See: Matrix 3, Pirates 3, Transformers, Star Wars Prequels, King Kong.
There is SO much happening on screen, so fast and such a huge scale, that my mind seriously becomes numb, and I'm no longer sure what I'm looking at.

~~~(Megatron tackles Optimus Prime. They fly through a building, then roll down a street, punch through a bus, fly back into the air, spin in circles, fly through a bridge, etc. OR Giant huge whirlpool surrounds everything. Cut to Jack Sparrow in an unlikely swordfight moving a mile a minute. Cut to Barbosa laughing and shooting something. Cut to Elizabeth and Will swordfighting--with banter. Cut to Jack Sparrow making some sneery confused face that is probably meant to be funny, but it's been like...three movies of this already. Cut to Keith Richards shouting. Cut to Will and Elizabeht kissing, while swordfighting, while Barbosa is behind them shooting people and laughing and making jokes, with the whirlpool the size of Cuba still spinning and the ship colliding with another ship. TWO T-Rexes!? Everyone reacts. Jar Jar drops a blue waterballon ball. A Starship explodes. Cut to millions of squid-like robots. Cut to Neo exploding a building and flying around like a Dragonball Z character.Then...the inevitable slow motion shot with the chorus hitting that long....epic...note.)~~~

It is just Too. Big.

And the worst part is, judging by the music and the way this is plotted, I get the feeling that we as the audience are supposed to be magnificently awed by all this, gripping the arms of our chairs with excitement. I think that's what they're going for.
Instead, i look around the theater and there's a dozen people staring upward with slack jaws and faraway looks. Dumbfounded.

There really is a difference between Epic and Overblown, and it is a line people need to start considering.
I think the Lord of The Rings movies did it well enough. There was tons and tons of crazy, CGI shit happening, but somehow the moments manage to be small and important, both alone and how they're weaved together. It might have to do with the fact the while yes, there are hundreds of CG orcs and creatures running around, the scene is shot in a real place. Well, kind of real. New Zealand.

I don't know. It just really gets to me. I hate that feeling when the stuff on the screen is so extreme and cold that I'm sort of looking around the room for more interesting fare. You can only watch a nameless Spartan shove a sword through a nameless Persian so many times before it becomes very, very tired. Some superhero movies are guilty of it too.

Basically, when you go so big, it becomes impossible for any true emotional involvement with the scene to happen, and really that's the only part of a movie that matters, from horror to action to drama to comedy. If you can't feel deep in you how scared the girl running from the guy with the knife is, or how important it is that this guy not let his boss get shot, or how much is riding on our heroine reaching the magical item before her enemy, then the movie has failed. This is where modern movies, especially in the action-adventure corner of things (and comedy too...come to think of it) have been missing lately. They stop making sure we really care, and just want us to be impressed.

And don't get me wrong. I love me my adventure movies. They're possibly my favorite.

They bring that hair-raising, sharp intake of breath, Oh My God They're Finally At Mount Doom Holy Shit Run You Little Pudgy Hobbit Bastard, feeling to me that I value oh so very very much. A good adventure is like a good theme park ride. Thrilling and exciting but not the point of throwing up and swearing it off forever.

Which brings me to Beowulf. A movie that I was quite sure would follow this less heart/more shouts craze. I've been more or less anticipating this movie for a few years, as it was announced forever ago and I learned that Neil Gaiman had written the script with Roger Avery, Quentin Tarantino's writing partner. The I heard it was directed by Robery Zemeckis, who did Back to the Future and Roger Rabbit, and more recently, Polar Express, and Beowulf was being done in the same Motion Capture style. This was an odd choice, I thought. I had read Beowulf in high school and then a few times since, and its such an odd story, and very contextual. Plus the added weight of being one of the oldest written works in existance.

Then I looked it up.

The largest share motion capturing was finished "filming" by the end of 2005, and then there was two years of post production. The script was written in 1997. This movie isnt so much riding a craze as blazing new territory. The CG world it's in has been rationalized by saying its the same as choosing to do a movie in color versus black and white, or as an animated feature--the technology is there, and needs to be explored. By doing the MoCap thing, the world feels smoother, and you don't have CG creatures fighting real guys, or get that awful washed out look of dudes standing a room that is clearly not the Grecian coast, like 300. It's not an animated feature, it's not live action. It's a third option. It's new. And on top of that, this IMAX release thing theyre doing is incredible. More releases in 3D than any other major film before it. The thing is Meant to be seen in IMAX. It's being released in normal theatres too, but without the full experience. Suposedly.

I'm not saying it will work.

Remember when everyone thought mixing 2D animation on screen with clunky CG enviroments and objects. Titan AE? Treasure Planet? The Mecha Warrior Fox Kids show I can't remember the title of?

That ended up not being so good.

Plus, I know that Neil and Avery have made at least two Major plot changes/twists to the Beowulf legend in order to make it work as a film, and while they seem sort of logical to me, many predict elitists will scoff. ~shrug~

So we'll see.

I listened to Neil Gaiman's phone interview about the film, hours after he'd seen it, and he was blown away and somewhat at an admitted loss for words. And this isn't a man known for being short winded. He called Anthony Hopkins' performance Oscar-Worthy, and mused for some time how the Academy would consider this movie, if it all. He said the 3D parts he saw were like being inside a graphic novel (that's fancy talk for comic books) and he was truly amazed. And he sounded sincerely proud to be a part of this movie, and saw it as important, if nothing else.

Also--He said that he was worried, given that the trailers have been so...well, not so great, (i think they're obtuse and forced, and really, they just push the reasons in my head to never watch trailers in general, and stick to print buzz) and that his fears were alleviated by the actual movie. He's excited to hear what people think, and so am I. I'm also extremely excited to see it. I hope it breaks free of the Epic Over Emotion curse, and have faith in the talents of Neil, Avary, and Zemeckis.

Here's the link to the site. http://www.beowulfmovie.com/

Don't let the music scare you. Just follow Neil's name and listen to his voice, still charming and insightful over the telephone lines.

So anyway.


I spent the weekend before at Kate's (like the three previous weekends, which were also action packed. Sorry journal, I haven't an internet connection handy to keep you in touch. Not unless I'm at school or on Nick's. ~sigh~) and Michael and Katie came down and it was pretty fun. We went to an apple orchard and didn't pick apples, but played with them instead. We threw together costumes, and marveled at the completely absurd world of a university in costume.

It may very well have been the closest I will ever be to Wonderland and the like. Indiana Jones smoking and shotting the shit with the Pope. Pac-Man riding by down the street, closely followed by his ghost enemies. A few Borats, some ghosts, and more scantily-clad, cleavage drowning drunk chicks than one could imagine. The Life sized traffic cones who walked and directed traffic were by far the highlight of the evening though.

Katie and Michael were each other, for a while..
Kate was the color Yellow. mm.
Shannon was a Bunny in a tan coat.
I was a mustached Chicago polish sausage vendor (Ralph Jeblonski) turned zombie fighting mystery man (Captain Sausage).

Good times.

See pictures that Kate and I took here: http://www.facebook.com/photos.php?id=1952226

Otherwise...I'm not sure how far back I'd need to fill the journal in, so I'll leave most of the past for another time.

Some Present and Future notes, however:

This weekend Kate comes home for the first time in a while. It will be marvelous.

My parents leave for Singapore soon. This week?

Kate and Shannon are seeing Tori Amos live and in character at the Auditorium Theater on Monday.

Then Kate and I are seeing Tori Amos live and up close at the Vic Theater the following night. Uber-excitement is happening on my skin. right now.

I need to write a paper. Like. Now.

My stories are being edited (Wave One) by Shannon, and I am hoping to finally enter some contests soon. Tori  has  (in theory) aso edited them, but has had trouble getting them to me, and I think I'll be getting them in two weeks time. And i still have Katie Martin and others willing to take a look over, and my chances of publication by next spring are getting better.

I finished my novella Bryan's Extra-Ordinary War Under Lou's Floors (which is, somewhat coincidentaly, Beowulf themed) and now just need some people to read it. Kate has, of course, and she helped me fix the ending. It's quite long, but I like it and need to just start handing copies to friends whom I know enjoy reading.

I've started (accidentally) working on something that might actually end up being novel length, and gotten down thirty-something pages in a couple of days. It's complicated. Fifteen stories (well, actually it's nine short stories with a tenth story told in six parts, interdispersed...) all centered around one night a wedding, and most of the characters are contract assassins. It's really not as hokey as it sounds, and I haven't been this fiery to write something in ages. Now THAT, i am thrilled to have people check out. It's different from most things I write, I think. But probably not.



I need a job. I've been looking fervently.

I rocked my Western Civilization test...? I dont know. I've gone and run out of things to say.

For now.

So maybe I'll be back again when i can steal some time on nick's computer again, or something.

Be seeing you.

If you're a creative person and force yourself to be creative (or at least throw something at your craft, as crappy as it may seem) about once a day, good things will eventually happen. Good things like creative disclipline and short stories about colors. More on this next post.

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QU-envy. [27 Aug 2007|09:24pm]
Behold! Just another reason why it sucks to be anyone but Neil Gaiman:

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Oh, not the nipple... [27 Aug 2007|12:55pm]
[ mood | Mr. Bad Man ]

So I am 21 years old.

That's the biggest thing.

Also, Kate is in Champaign (and so is Shannon, obviously)and they have an apartment and it is quite nice, despite the in-your-face Homeless peeps who steal bike parts and dumpster dive and actually Work for the apartment complex sometimes as cheap labor.
I spent an entire week (sans twenty hours I came home to reload and touch base) down there with them, and it ranged from absolutely awesome to strange to kind of bad. The stress levels were high, what with birthdays and school starting and new jobs and living alone. Overall it was a very good week and a fun birthday.
    We went to Bar Louie, and had dinner and I ordered drinks (the first of which was a Raspberry Mojito called a Hemingway, which tickled me quite a bit. Though the fact of his fate does ring a bit ill, I shrug in the face of drunken writer suicide) and so did they which was crazy fun and the night was low key and good. We watched The 40 Year Old Virgin and Ghostbusters and so I was very content. Kate's new bedroom is comfy, and actually so is their living room floor. I hope all goes well there.
    This has been an amazing gift year for me, as I'm unusually excited. I've got shot glasses, a t shirt and like four books that I'm very excited to read. And thats just Kate, Shannon and the Lamys. I think if I got only books for every birthday, I'd be pretty damned happy. Though diversity is so much fun as well. I cant help feel like a spoiled brat sitting here talking about birthday gifts, but whatever. Tis what tis.
    Since returning home from my U of Illinois voyage, I have felt somewhat grey and down, but that has in turn been great for my writing. I've written six short stories in the past three days and finished two longer simmering novella type stories. I feel great about that and can't wait to get them in tip-top shape grammatically so I can start shipping them into publishing houses and contests and whatnot.
    There's been a friend infusion lately, which has been surprisingly fulfilling. Aside from constant Kate-contact and good Shannon talks, I spent a night with Kristen and chatted about everything this side of the sun. I spoke with Michael and Katie and got food with them and sat and chatted about everything on the other side of the sun, and felt like I was able to smooth over a sometimes brittled connection thing. mmhm.
    Then I've been in touch with the now Iowa-Bound Tori, and figure that now that she's a few states Left on the map, maybe we'll be able to stay in touch and keep a friendship up. Go Figure. I will hang out with Jake this week, and Matt as well. I need to call Jen and Ian wanted me to stop by his new apartment at least once next time I'm down there. So hopefully the good streak will keep up.
    I need to find a new job, again, as my bosses at Paneener are ignorant, illiterate jagoffs who can't read notes and seem to have decided conspiracy theories about my intentions at their place of business are truer than any other alternative. So yeah. That's fun.
    As I said, I've been in a self conscious soggy rut, and I think this lovely yet stifling cave of a room may be contributing. I need to apply to colleges soon, and I don't know. Future Life is shaky and scary, from career to relationship to health.  Eek the Cat I get nervous about all that stuff so much, I'm probably exacerbating the whole thing tenfold. Stress is awful for the heart, and mine already has a Strike. ~sigh~
    I think I need to inject something huge and new into my blood, or Life, and see what happens when I shake it up. External solutions are almost always failures, but man do they seem promising in theory. Also, I have no ideas. Save the ones I write about. That's the only place that is safe. Warm. Accepting of my neurosis and pretentious floataways. They don't care that I'm a bad guy, they celebrate it.
    Life at 21, so far, is very nice,and fun, peppered with self-doubt and looming big questions. I've weathered much worse, and my flair for optimism will most likely win out here. So be it. I am quite hungry.I need Touch. Right about now, I think. Even if it isn't literal. Soultouch (though it sounds like a Final Fantasy spell or Magic card) would do.

Be seeing you.

Ah, to lament and lay about. Bless you, vile internet. I just laughed. A good one. And didn't feel like writing "ha".


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Should I call the cops? I'm gonna call the cops. [03 Aug 2007|04:35am]
So I have internet in my room again, kinda.

I just left the walgreens on 95th and Roberts ad it iis being renovated and updated like crazy.

Out of 6,000 locations, 4 are getting this makeover, and our lil' walgreens in Hickory is one of them.

I got all of this privy information from a middle aged graveyard shift employee named Raul.

He also told me that Green tea got rid of his lactose intolerancy and that Heinz brand apple cider vinegar cured his heart burn. For good.

I purchased a box of Honey Bunches of Oats and two quart bottles of soy milk.

I had a hankering for cereal since I left Kate's, and decided that I was due a 4 am indulgence.

Things are moving and shaking in El Vida del AJ, but I've no time to get into it now.

I've got to get back to Mega Man and Carrie Bradshaw and have me a bowl a cereal. This is the norm for most nights lately. I am strangely content.

Be seeing you.

Word of the day: Afartment.
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[08 Jun 2007|06:22pm]
so it looks like we're sleeping over. we'll be getting home around 10 o clock tommorow morning.

kate's voice melted everything and made me feel better.

i am taking her out tommrow. and handcuffing myself to her for a week or two. to make up for he lost time.

her parents won't mind. i'm a good boy.

the untouchables is on and i can hear sean connery's voice.

maybe things aren't so bad.

hippity hoppity.
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The jester stole his thorny crown... [08 Jun 2007|05:35pm]

So. i was shanghai-ed into coming and seeing my dad graduate from the fbi national acadamy a full three days earlier. for no other reason than my mom felt like it.

so ive been in washington DC, virginia, and maryland for three days, doing nothing. driving around and sitting in a hotel room.

now i am in the middle of a "12" hour drive home in the back seat of a small car smashed in with my brothers. i could not fly back because of a storm, so the suck has been approved by the universe. we have all the extra luggage on our laps and there is no ac and i dont know. whine whine.

i am now at my tio memo's house in pennslyvania, where we stopped to say hello, and now we are considering staying overnight.

all i want to do is go home. i start school on monday and need to find a job and i feel like shit. i've heard don mclean's American Pie in three states. in one day. the radios stations out here are okay, but they need some variance.

on top of all this my girlfriend has been stressed with me a litte, and busy, and well, i dont know... and i cant stop being a paranoid, whiny, bitch.

so why not hit the livejournal?

i dont know.

i did write most of a short story that i ended up really liking. cant wait to finish it. also, i am readin neil gaiman's Anansi Boys, and it is the most perfect escape ever, in a time when escaping is kind of nice. 
a scene from that book actully inspired another story in my head, and i jotted it down in the small blue notebook i bought so i didnt forget it. thats was cool. it involves funk songs, wasted lives, immoratiality, dancing, and the god Bacchus. can't wait can't wait to write it.

and don't get me wrong, seeing my dad again has been great. and spending time with my family has been a whole bunch of fun, but most of the time it is just that empty, gaping feeling of forced vacations where youre mind has nothing to do but wander and wonder how much you want to be home, and what youre missing, and how much happier people sound with you away. I am very pruod of my dad. He's found a third wind in his Life and went through one of the most difficult things ive ever heard of. it was nice to be at the graduation together. i just wish we didnt have to dawdle for two days beforehand.

also, driving in a police cruiser on maryland mountains in a heavy thunderstorm doesnt do good things to one's system.

i just want to be home.

so i can write write write and find work and go to school and take a hard look at my Life and decide if it needs fixing. 
I sure hope it works out the way it is now. Id like that, really. 

I have decided, (albeit a tad ironic considering my babycry ranting) that i will travel more. To places i Want to go. That I need to go. I can fly for free until I am 23, and I dont want to regret the loss of that privilige based on lack of use.

So this year, I will hit san diego, new york, and london for sure. I am working on a paris trip, and maybe one to toronto.

i will make it work.

Hopefully she'll be there with me. 

Thats really what i want the most i think.

I would just like some control.

ill fight for it. If need be.

hopefully the entry above this will be one of prodigal glee, be written from my bedroom, blooming with the love of my one true, creative production, and all around good vibrations.

hope. hope. hope.

Hope that the things I want (need?) from the world and people will come naturally and from hearts, not from coercion. 


be seeing you.

My uncle's den smells like a dentist's office. no joke.

that is all.


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I'm a thief, thrice removed. [09 May 2007|01:51am]
I don't think I've ever done of these before. Well, here's to firsts and surrenders.

1.How old will you be in five years?

25. ick.

2. Who did you spend at least three hours with yesterday?

Um. Probably my brother Nick. Or Marty.

3. How tall are you?


4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?

Kate. Kate. Kate. Comic books.

5. What's the last movie you watched?

Spiderman 3.

6. Who was the last person you called?


7. Who was the last person to call you?

Kate as well.

8. Who was the last person to text you?

Kate :3

9. Do you prefer to call or text?

Um. Call, but historically, texts have a better response rate.

10. Do you have any pets?

Marty=My (& Kate's) cat. Gunny, Indie, and Brodie= Dogs.

12. Are your parents married?


15. What planet do you like?

Saturn. I remember being very adament about this as a younger kid.

16. What are you wearing right now?

Reebok flip flops that don't fit, brown shorts, blue t-shirt, glasses.

17. What is your favorite christmas song?

Um. Deck the Halls? Or maybe BabyKate's rendition of Toys.

18. Where is your favorite place to be?

Um. My room? That's a rough one. I like lots of places. Kate's tv room. My car. Book/comic store. Hmm...

19. Where is your least favorite place to be?

Doctor's offices. Waiting rooms. Family parties.

20. Where would you go right now if you could go anywhere?

Hmm. Katie's room? Just for this one night?

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?

Evil lepercauns. Sharks. Creatures I imagined up.

24. Who was the last person that really made you laugh?

Matt Curtis. Maybe Adam Savage.

25. How many TVs do you have in your house?


26. How big is your bed?

I think full. Maybe a queen.

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?

Both. And both are pretty old and broken.

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

I apologize to people's imaginations: usually without.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

As many as I can wrangle. Typically four to five.

31. What is your favorite season?

Fall. Though I find reasons to like (and despise) the others too.

32. What do you like about summer?

That feeling of being in a cold house and having free time. Also basking in radiant heat and sweating. Not sun heat, but like, that hugging heat that makes you feel...

33. What do you like about winter?

Getting warm. In various, rosy-faced ways.

34. What do you like about the fall?

Red, orange and brown leaves. Getting to wear long sleeve shirts again without freezing.

35. What do you like about spring?

Nice weather. Rain, rain, rain.

36. How many states have you lived in?


37. How many cities/towns have you lived in?

Two. Chicago and Palos.

38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?

Bare feet almost always. Though sometimes socks are just the best.

39. Do you like wearing jeans?

Oh yes.

40. What was the last thing you ate?

Golden Puffs and Breakfast Harvest: Fruits and Nuts cereals. (from Aldi.)

41. What is your favorite restaurant?

Leona's. Xando. Palermo's. Za's.

42. Longest car trip?

Florida and back when I was like eight. In my grandfather's awesome van. It had a bed.

43. What's your favorite kind of ice cream?

Hmm. I like always trying out new kinds. I like vanilla, butter pecan and pistachio, to name some faves.

44. What is your favorite kind of soup?

Cream of (fill in the blank). I hear they're bad for you though. I also like tomato. 

45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?

Ideally, raspberry.

46. Do you like Chinese food?

yes, oh yes.

47. Do you like coffee?


48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?

Probably about two or three.

49. What do you drink in the morning?

Orange juice.

50. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

With someone else. (grumble grumble.)

51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?

Not yet.

52. Do you know how to play poker?

Yes. I used to be good when I was young. Or maybe it's just because we were all kids. Now everyone is like, Good, and I suck.

53. Do you like to cuddle?

Very much.

54. Have you ever been to Canada?


55. Do you have an addictive personality?

Yes. I kind of like it though. It moves in cycles.

56. Do you eat out or at home more often?

Um. probably about even.

57. What is your favorite cheese?

Mozzarella or pepper jack.

58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?

Tori Amos. And I think I heard Sean Connery, too.

59. Do you want kids?

So much I feel like a weirdo sometimes.

60. Do you speak any other languages?

I understand Spanish and speak it back all broken. I can read latin. Because of this and trivial studying, I know random phrases in lots of languages.

61. Have you ever gotten stitches?


62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?


63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?

I have an unrealistic, irrational fear of water. Pool, though.

64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?


65. Do you know how to drive stick?

ha. Not at all.

66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?

Kate, Comics, Magic cards, books. Movies.

67. Do you wear any jewelry?


68. What is your favorite TV show?

Lost. Venture Bros. Seinfeld. Arrested Devlopment.

69. Can you roll your tongue?


70. Who is the funniest person you know?

Catherine A. L.

71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Yep. A big Scrappy Doo one is my best pillow.

72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?


73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?

Not really. Maybve put away somewhere.

74. What red object is closest to you right now?

A magic card. "Stalking Vengeance."

76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?.

I dont really have closets anymore. And closed, in the past.

77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?

Jesus Christo! Who thought of this one? Maybe both, since Bears like to eat bees, and they'd distract each other.

78. would you rather fight a chimp or a badger?

Badger. Chimps are fucking scary.

79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

BBQ sauce.

81. Can you change the oil on a car?

Nah. Man would my Life be easier if I could though,

82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?

Nah. I've ben pulled over for speeding, but usually can get out of the ticket.

83. Have you ever run out of gas?

Yep. My family has a prediliction of getting cars with broken gas gauges.

84. What is your usual bedtime?

Well it's three now. it used to be about One, but gorws later(earlier?) with each day. Nowabouts...probably fourish.

85. What was the last book you read?

Novel? Running With Scissors. Comic? Omega Flight. I also finished The Pre-History of The far Side a few days back.

86. Do you read the newspaper?

I miss the Red Eye a whole bunch. USA Today is cool. Trib and Sun-Times if they're around.

87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?

Woo. Rolling Stone, Blender, Wizard, Interview, Entertainment Weekly. Not to mention some forty-odd comics.

88. Do you still sleep with the lights on?


89. Do you watch soap operas?


90. Do you dance in the car?

And sing!

91. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?

The Hierarchy of the Vampire characters in the movie script I wrote when i was 16. I'm finishing it up, and needed some notes.

94. What is your favorite candle scent?

Vanilla? Blueberry and apple are nice too.

95. What is your favorite board game?

Hmm. Chess? I don't even know if that counts. Trivial pursuit? Movie trivia? ooh. hooh. I like SORRY. heh.

96. How would you describe pop up pirate or buckaroo as a board game?


97. When was the last time you attended church?

Easter, because my mother asked me to.

98. Which one of your friends have you known the longest?

Ian Friel. Though I guess Greg Parr came first. I don't really talk to either of the though. Of ones I still talk to often? MIchael, probably. (Though i supoose I did 'meet' Katreva when i was very litte.Thoug we weren't really friends then.)

99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?

I used to camp in my backyard. Probably for a few days at a time.

100. Did you realize you just completed a 100 question survey?

Yeah. It took forever because the whole time, curtis has been here and put on the movieDUEL, which is old and Steven Spielberg's first film and kind of  a predecessor to JAWS. The whole thing is a semi truck stalking and trying to kill a guy on a desert highway, and it is fucked up. So yeah, ive been distracted. Fun though, I'll admit.

be seeing you.
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...you were on the Indianapolis? [08 May 2007|05:22am]

So you want a tell-tale sign that something is just a little off kilter in your life?

It's when you find yourself up at five-thirty in the morning, eyes streaming tears because they ache and tire, yet you are lost in the two-year old journal entries of friends it feels like you hardly know any more.

I need to find a job, or take lots more classes, or Something soon, because all of this time is going to break me in half.

I just...

So there I am, swimming in the thoughts and words of people who existed in 2004, and I find that they are gone now. Some for better, some for worse.

It's like, if in this entry, I were to write something to the affect of:

"Man I just can't stand not eating right. I can't wait until I live by myself and eat awesome!" (which is a true thought of mine).

And then, in the year 2009, a friend looks back at this entry and sees that, and then thinks of how bad AJ OF 2009's diet is, and how full of shit he was back then. I feel like that with many of my friends past selves, as well as my own 2004 Aj. 

I just feel like it's frustrating to watch someone struggle through something and hope they get through it, with full knowledge that they did nothing to change the situation that they are talking about, and etc. Also, another huge part of me reads these inner things and goes: "IF I ONLY KNEW!"

So that sucked to trudge through.

Kate comes home wednesday, and Life begins anew.

Tori contacted her today, and in an unprecedented show of valor, apologized. Is this part of some new diabolical plan? Who knows? But I for one am going to take it a sign for things to come. Hopefully good things. (Insert 2009 Aj-Friend smacking their forehead and sighing. "If only he knew...")

I will reconcile with ian soon, if only to get my stuff back and feel like my loose ends are lessening. 

Nick, Papa Murph, Kyle Coyne and thier ilk want to film the vampire script I wrote (2/3rds of) when i was a senior in high school. Re-reading and working on this script has been fun and enlightening, and I really do think i had a knack for writing scripted comedy back then. Now, I am far too jaded and overanalytical to be so randomly clever. Boo.

Jaws is possibly the best movie ever.

Spider-Man 3 had a twist scene, and that brightened my heart immeasurably. 

Part of me will miss Allen Hall. It was usually nice to me, an always provided interesting noises whilst I was in the bathroom. (ex.-peeps puking, having sex, puking)

If a time-traveler came back and said I need to kill facebook for the good of mankind, id kiss them.

Every time I sit down to write a story, the result is a very random slice of suburban life. It sems as if those are the ones I do best, for whatever reason, and choke on the ones with strangeness afoot. I mean to remedy this soon. we'll see though.

I can never remember the name of the guy from the office(british)/hitchiker's guide. Martin Something. Freeman. Damn it.

That dangerous, dark undertow of missing people is whirling around beneath my skin. Maybe it's the oncoming summer. My Summers are usually chock full of people. hmm.

My mother is gone for a week. then so are my brothers, for a few days. I wonder what i'll muster.

This weekend I fell asleep to: kate's long, long, long, arms wrapped like branches and scrunched nosie, Michael van howe's oddly rhythmic snoring, kate's adorable knee in my hip, the light of shannon's laptop, and katie's spotted pajama'd rear end, respectively. Once home, the sights and sounds were far less interesting. usually the hum of computers and the twittering of morning birds. marty sleeps through the night now.

i think i may ned to force myself to end this, as its coming on six o clock, and at this rate, i'll be at this all night.

so hmm..

i'd like to raise my proverbial glass for a toast to the days, weeks, months to come.

Good luck.

and to future AJ?

Fuck you. I'm trying.

be seeing you.

and yes, yes, yes, I can't wait to see...


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I am speechless. I am without speech. [13 Apr 2007|12:37am]
So this day has been one of little ups and little downs, but right now I float.

I swear it, the theory that when Katie and I are good= the rest is good was proved quite correct today.

"Our hearts are made of it, let's take a chance. Why be afraid of it?" MMMMMMMMMMMmmmm. Makes me swirl.

I wrote today, and I am excited with what is brewing. I feel another burst coming.Story-wise, that is.

PIX messages are yes, an incredibly indulgent turn in our already technology obsessed culture and blah blah, but god-damn if they don't sweeten the deal just a smidge. Mm-mm-mm. I still can't believe it sometimes, when i think about it. It's almost...like winning the Life Lottery, to coin a common thought of mine.

Seinfeld is great. It's like it was invented for time-killing days.

Tarantino was on David Spade's show tonight. they played dollies and had the characters from grindhouse (in toy form) gun down the entire cast of the Anna Nicole BabyDaddy Trial. Blood spray bottles and everything. Henius~!

I await another call here, in this early hour of a day limbo.

Kate comes home in about sixteen hours. I have good vibrations concerning this weekend, which is unusual and probably influenced by the rather good week we've had. So that's pretty awesome.

Is it strange to find yourself dancing around your garage/bedroom, teasing your cat, deciding on soymilk or beer as a refreshment, all at once with sinatra singing into the One AM sky? Just wondering.

Blah bli blah, bloo bloo blah BLAH, blim blam blitz.

heh ahah ha. What am I doing here?

be seeing you.

See, I really should be writing, instead of here. ~shrug~ (the bridge of Fly Me to the Moon warms my lil ol heart every time)
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Writing an anti-war book is like writing an anti-glacier book. [12 Apr 2007|05:02pm]
So Kurt Vonnegut is dead. He fell the other day and received irreversible brain damage, and died from wounds sustained late last night. This is extremely sad because he was so imaginative and out of his mind, and has spent the last few years upset about Prsident Bush and convinced that the world is endin. However, the man was 84, and fought in World War II, and released moe books and stories than most contemporary authors dream of, and has literally become part of the fabric of the past copule generations and the country itself. For me, at least, this lessens the blow as he will be immortal in that way, and seems to have led a full, wild life. Yeah I don't know. I read his last interview in Rolling Stone last summer and it was sad, and now this. Maybe I'll reread Cat's Cradle or something. Or give it to someone who's never read it. That'd probably be better.

SO as for the rest of my Life, not too much is happpening. My Uncle is gone and my comic shop closes in two weeks, and I'll have to drive up to 95th and Kedzie to pick up books every wednesday. Kate has been much better this week and last night we had an amazing long conversaion about Jenny Saville and the state of the World and Lost and Tori Amos and being an Author and people we know who we don't really know, because they know so much more than they actually know. It was so invigorating, really, to be able to talk to her again, not about us or drama, but about the Lives around us. I woke up feeling lighter and like freshly clean laundry. I've been watching a lot of Seinfeld and using goofy workout machines in my room. I miss The Office. Playing Magic will always be fun. I think i'll write a story tonight. Yeah?

Be seeing you.


Lost last nite was amazing. it makes me want to tell stories, it's so mmm. And a New White Stipes album in june. 

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Reach up! [11 Apr 2007|10:12am]

okay, it is snowing like crazy-sluch and it's mid-april.

what the heck?

It feels like winter break.   

i woke up kate this morning and she was the cutest, most tiredy-sweet person ever. Always so sweepy. 

Today is comics and I am way excited. 


It's a lazy day. I can't even go job hunt in this weather. 

Oh yeah, and I have to say, that even as a relatively intelligent person who is just as annoyed by Mtv as the next guy, but Fuck if Punk'd isn't SO much fun it's sickening. My mom DVR'd a marathon, and yeah, Ashton Kutcher is irritating, but when I can see Jewel screaming obscenities at guys and Freddy Rodriguez on the verge of tears over his dog being stolen, it is all worth it. 

So yeah. 

Weird day.

Be seeing you. 

Oh yeah, and Lost is on tonite too. And I just saw Evangeline Lilly (Kate on Lost) start weeping because she thought she had destroyed priceless works of art. hee hee.

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There's always time for lubricant! [09 Apr 2007|09:41am]
So, I am caught again in this moment. I am on this journal, and the only thing that comes to mind is a summery of my latest mundanes, which quickly degrades into a list of things that suck.

So is that because I can only see the bad? or does life just kind of really suck?

Aside from the lack of job, girlfriend in constant state of flux, the absolutely horrendous school issue, dad gone for two months, uncle moving away for good, or my general unhealth, I guess things are great.

Because see, now I feel inclined to balance that with the good. It's not even a desicion, I just type. Like, my writing is going well, and kate loves me, and I um, my uh...I have a cat, and...stuff...and...well...yeah. Good things. awesome. 

Honest though, it really is somewhere in between. I wish I could say that this is just pessimism winning out, but that doesn't feel right.

I just need summer. I know it sounds cliche, but it is not because of the warm weather and strange feeling of relaxation that is tied to that season. If all this had happened in summer, I'd be wishing for fall, and so on. I just need (yet another) fresh start. 

-I am taking a handful of classes this summer to fix this terms bumps, and hope that goes well. 
-In my mind, Aj of summer is working in a job that suits his fancy. No food, no neo-slave labor groceryish store, just a place that feels okay. I don't think I'm askign too much. Any book/electronic store. Or even dept. store. Or something I haven't come upon yet.
-The main atrraction to this summer however, of course, is the fact that kate will be here. No more phone drama, no more time limit everything, no more internet heartbreaking. With her here it will feel like Life again, instead of Life-on-pause, thriving on two-and-change days a week. I would not be able to go into detail enough here or anywhere else about how much better everything will be. Really.

Four weeks. One month to the day as of yesterday. I can't believe how far away that feels. I just think that so much can change for me in that time that it's unusually ridiculous. It is also a strange experiance because i think a lot of the things im waiting for/counting on are in the hands of others. i have very little control of the state of the things I listed above, and that my friend, is one of the most terrifiying feelings I have ever had. 

Believe it or not, all this is teaching me to have Faith. not in a diety or force, but in people. I have always believed that despite the evil everyone's capable of, that people are good inside. Now i am lying down on the tracks and putting that theory to the test.

SO, all i can say is that I will hopefully be on this website one month from now gushing about how great work is, and how excited I am for summer classes, and how unexplainably amazing Life is with my girlfriend back home with me again. because I can't help but fear reading this past in the future and breaking down at how naive I was being. 

So yeah. Fingers crossed and whatnot. 

Be seeing you.

Hanging on.

thank the winds for escapes, though. like grindhouse and comic books. fun is the best. I am happy that unlike people I see everywhere, i allow myself to have unadulterated, unthought fun. thats a good feeling amongst a torrent. yeesh.

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Razzle freakin' Dazzle. [31 Mar 2007|12:51am]
So this week has been, without a shadow of a doubt, one of the most stressful, emotionally trying times I've ever lived. 

Between school and Kate being off-kilter for various reasons and my dad leaving for 10 weeks and preparing my short stories for the Moraine contest, I am surprised I feel as good as I do.

Though I do wish, however self-absorbed this sounds, that I was mentioned once in a while in there, and maybe as more than my status. I would think that all of this recent blahblahblah with her would at least register a blip, but meh. In a positive sense blip though. rr, I mean, most likely, that is honestly nothing more than me being petty and childish coupled with wicked bad seperation anxiety.

That is, I think seeing Kate all the time has been the most wonderful mixed blessing ever. I mean it makes my Life turn and function and be worthwile, yet her constantly leaving is an endurance trial I never thought I could survive. Like right now, this moment, I reflect back on a pretty damn satisfying evening with her, happy as a sparrow in the springtime, and there is an apple-core of fiery longing in the pit of my stomach. I want more. I need more. 

Summer fast approaches. I've never wanted one so bad in my entire Life. This one will be one for the record books I think. For its Grandness. Mhmm.

I feel like I expressed myself in a way i wouldn't usually allow tonight, and that shadowy part is thankful for it, and all is well.

May is sizing up to be one of the best months ever. Comics=52 ends, Countdown begins, WWIII happens, as well as several books ending/hitting Major turning points. It is really something insane. While Marvel does relatively excite me with some of their new directions, they really do pale in comparison, especially now that Civil War is wrapped and all the sub-par fallouts are coming into being.

Movies= Pirates of Carribean 3. Spider-Man 3. Shrek 3. whoo.

Kate=She fucking comes home. For more than a few days. It will be like a holiday that is skipping on the record player and keeps repeating. MMMMMMMMmmmm.

the new teenage mutant ninja turntles was muy satisfactory. I felt the all-importan nostalgia bug, while it was updated enough to open up the the doors to this whole new fan generation, and still tell a pretty decent story in the process. Way more emotion in parts of that movie than your average kids' fare.

About a week ago, a story that was not premeditated at all fell out of my head, into my fingers, and onto the screen in front of me., It was inspired vaugely by Tori Amos and reflects this. I think it may be the best thing I have ever written. Kate liked it bunches, my mom thought it was very good, and even shannon liked it. General prognosis is I have a decent shot at doing well in this contest. If I win i get money and entered into a contest in NY, and if I do well in that, I get scholarship Opps and publishing chances. It is all blind hope at this point but I am enjoying it. 

I have read all but Neil Gaiman's novels now, and I am convinced that there are lines of pure, raw, magic weaved into the pagers of his words. I feel like the influence of reading him has made me as excited and inspired as I am these days. That and having time to, and pushing myself, and having someone wonderful like Katers to back me up, I've got it made. 

I have a gut feeling about my Future. I think everyone does, to a degree, so bleh, but like, this feels a little different. This "confidence" thing ain't bad.

well. I dopnt write here much more because it really does take away from any creative writing. I am glad the internet in my room is dead. When I used to write here, i wouldnt write for Me. Id be sitting on the same stories for months. Now, with my new leaf, I have almost a dozen short stories done, at least half of them decent in my eye, and have four longer works of unknown length in motion. 

I have never felt like this. Writer. Boyfriend. Son. Changes and twists that have led to better understanding. I just hope they stay positive and I keep the monsters in the back caverns of my skull at bay. 

Hope is their Kryptonite.

So I'm trying.


Also, LOST is just amazing. I can't believe how many peeps miss out on this show because it is on a network and they are dumbfaces whith their plastic "to cool/smart for TV" standards. Or just refuse to be  interested in something that Other people actually like. Heavens forbid. Huff huff. Really though, It is Art, slipped somehow onto a channel owned by Disney. This last episode would have done Poe and Hitchcock and Tarantino proud all in the same breath. I'm just glad to be a part of it.

High Fives.
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I'd like to dedicate this dance to my Grandpa, who showed me these moves. [21 Feb 2007|01:29am]
[ mood | blahblah. ]

So it's been a while and LJ looks different.

In a good way, I suppose.

Of course, my instinct here is to catch my humble journal up on all the happenings since last December, but find myself shaking my head back and fro at the notion.

It has been a busy New Year.

So, I will just begin again as if no time has passed, and perhaps one day retroactively fill the gap.

It's like DC comics. Heh.

Anyway, today has been an especially swerving day, and I felt like making note of it.

It began at 7 AM, when I awoke and did some last minute studying.

You see, this semester (my penultimate), I have class at 8 AM every day of the work-week. This is because I desperately waned to have my favorite Moraine professor, Dr. Wazwaz, presiding over two of my required Literature classes, and apparently, she is a morning person.

Anyone who knows me know I most certainly not. A morning person that is.

But alas I gave it a shot, and though it really does suck to wake up, go to school, then work, then come home and do homework, it will be worth it at semester's end.

Or at least that's what I tell myself to get through the day-to-day.

   Since Kate went back to school things have been all teeter-tottery, and I've felt a little off balance until this week. I've had a lot of good times, from hanging with Michael and Katie to writing goofy stories with Matt Curtis, to depressing hours in which I sat and did nothing for hours on end, alone in my icy box of a pseudo-apartment. There's been in between too. I got food with Annie, and felt groggy the whole time, and got trapped at work and then trapped in a snowstorm. I've missed  class due to weather and sleep, equally.  It's just been a wacky time.

But I feel good again. Mostly.

For examps.

This morning was my first Feminist Literature exam, and though i thought I was vastly unprepared for it, I ended up walking out damn confident that I had just kicked that test's ass.

However, I ended up ranting about the very same topic that I came Here to rant about.

Beware- I am about to complain in length about literature.

What the fuck is with so many feminist works of literature ending in suicide? I mean, I don't want to spoil anything about any of these stories, but seriously, a significant number of stories end up with the female protagonist ending her life in symbolic ways.

Several of these suicides were to avoid/caused by the constraints of having children/a husband, etc.

I don't know if i am missing some sort of divine message behind these suicides, but I have to say its driving me crazy.

I hate suicide. I hate hearing about, reading about it, and I have not and don't think I'll ever write of it. It drives me crazy to think of people believing that life is so bad that they'd rather not exist.

Not to say that like if you're in some insane Japanese prison being tortured for fifty years that it wouldn't be some sort of relief (supposedly; I cant even feel right about this kind...), but thats definitely not the case with these stories.

These women reject the families they have, and in one famous story, declares her "independence" from her old life. Her husband is very loving and good to her, and she has two good sons, but falls for another guy and decides this life she is in just isn't right. So she fucks around and tries to be free, only before her lover says he cant be with her, so she swims out to sea and drowns herself. Nice, right?

I don't know. I just don't see how being dead is a step up from a family Life, or even Life in general. In another story, the narrator just decides she's made the wrong choice in entering her familial life, and blows her brans out.

What feminist cause is this helping? Why are these stories so fucking lauded? Its driving me mad.

On the contrary, I have read a fair share of feminist stories that seems to be in response to this (astoundingly popular) line of thinking, that is Death over a Life they're not happy or "free" in, and have their protagonists actually do something about their unhappy position. These stories I really enjoy, especially as refreshing counterpoints.

I mean, fucking Woolf killed herself. She's the backbone of the whole class. A Room of One's Own, specifically. But like,  Miss "We Need to Set an Example for the Women Writers of the Future and Tell Them To stand Up and Write and Be Strong" Woolf put rocks into her pockets and walked into a lake. What the Hell? She betrayed her own fucking theory book. 

I'm not even going to get into Sylvia "My Kids Are Sleeping in the Next Room" Plath. I'll read more by/aabout her before I cast too heavy an opinion.

I'm sorry for ranting, I just got hit by all this at once, while studying for my American Lit II test, and it really got to me. I feel a little insensitive, I'll admit, but man does this get under my skin. I'm sure there's more to say here, but I'm tired of going on about it, even in text.  rr.

So yeah. In other news.

I have hit a second as far as writing goes.

See, I was worried that after the creative rush I had from late summer through December, (which brought about a good half dozen true short stories, and several really fun pieces that are more like two-six page excerpts and exercises) tapped out, I would be out of ideas.

This turned out to be relatively true, as i didn't finish anything I started in January, and only had two real ideas to speak of.

I spent this time reading, and got through about three books. (Two of them by Neil! Woo Neil!)

However, with Spring fast approaching, which heralds several writing competitions and deadlines, including Moraine's, and another collection of Gaiman short fiction, I have been hit with a whole new wave of story and haven't been so fucking excited in months. I have five solid ideas, and three others awaiting completion.

For posterity and in a teaser-like fashion, I will list the (tentative) names of these stories.

The Jazz Lounge of Albany
A Boy Lost
Bryan's Extra-Ordinary War Under Lou's Floors

Signed Mary Eidel, On Her Birthday
The Human Storms
Traveling Sales
With Man Absent/Thin Beast Man
Guest Service

Victims and Prey

So yeah. I am really freaking psyched. 

I want to be done with the lot by spring break. Then I'll feel like I have nearly enough to jump headfirst into the world of becoming a professional writer. I'll have a good 16 or so solid stories under my belt, plus whatever pops up between now and then, and will submit my ass off. From there on it's really just a matter of getting my name out there.

I also need to find as many readers as possible. So if anyone is interested in giving some time and criticism...

Tonight Kate and I talked being successful in our creative fields, both of which are notoriously flighty and impossible. So I feel good that we're both in positions where we're getting ourselves ready for the future. Getting better. Working at it and shtuff. I know it ain't going to be easy.

I just hope it's fun. Cause so far, this is one of the best experiences of my Life.
Being here-now, writing and just going for it, like.

So yeah. Its about four AM and I have to be up at 7 for school.

I really don't know why I do this to myself.

It's not on purpose.


Be seeing you.


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It's good to be the king. [10 Dec 2006|09:56pm]
[ mood | Drum drum drum drum tear drum. ]

So a weekend that will live fondly on in my mind for the rest of its days comes to an end.

Kate and I got a room for the weekend in celbration of the semester ending and everything working out, all things considered.

On saturday we got in there and started the awesome immediately. We napped, read incomprehensible nonsense from the bible, (did you know God walked around in the Garden of Eden? Me neither!) jumped on the bed, studied, gave early xmas gifts, watched the wedding singer, balanced, and so forth.

Outside of the room, we got chinese with shannon, watched History of the World Pt. 1, ate lots of Za's(my favorite resturaunt, maybe), got Espresso Royale(good cookies and coffees!), walked around, and other fun stuff. It was just like, the Woodstock of good Kate times, seriously.

Also, the ride home was just like, great as well. I mean, sitting the back of a pitch black empty bus for two hours sounds like a chore, but man, toss in Abbey Road, A Ghost is Born, and Gimme Fiction and that ride suddenly becomes an emotional ordeal. Staring out those windows at the long dark and little lights transforms into a mini-light show, made just for me. It was just really neat.

So now I'm home and reading more Brother's War and doing some homework and remembering I didn't eat dinner. So I snack on the pizza goldfish I bought for Kate months ago, and they are damn satisfying. (sorry, i caved.)

All-together, a weekend that all other weekends can measure up to.

Be seeing you.

My computer just decided to shuffle songs without me telling it to. ...weird.

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"Pay as you exit"...I don't get it. [04 Dec 2006|07:23pm]

Living in the garage is proving a mixed blessing. I love it though, and refuse to give up on it.

My momma bought me new awesome slippers. They're cushy as hell and snug and I can feel my toes out here now!

And made me an awesome pasta-sauce-sausage dinner with green beans and bread. I am so full it feels like too muches.

I have an idea for a new story, after a few days of being completely dry.

I am buying a guitar from jake in January.

I wish Kate would come back. Yesterday was an unusually difficult day to get through without her. Much sulking.

Though I have my Kate-titutes: The Beatles, Magic, Comics, Stories. And they've been especially nice of late.

I have muchos homework to do today and tommorow. Write my CWriting final paper; my final persuasive speech. And all of my History quizzes, the final test, the discussion boards. Heesh.

~"he says religion don't mean a thing, just another way to be right wing"~ I just made out that lyric. I love songs that tell stories. mmm.

Working on Cootie has been fun. I'm re-editing the whole thing from scratch, so though hectic, I feel like I never laugh as much as I do when I see these scenes and outtakes.


My hands are cold now.

Be seeing you.

~I think I'll call mah baybeh.~
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