Aj. (the_cheeseman) wrote,
Aj.
the_cheeseman

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There's always time for lubricant!

So, I am caught again in this moment. I am on this journal, and the only thing that comes to mind is a summery of my latest mundanes, which quickly degrades into a list of things that suck.

So is that because I can only see the bad? or does life just kind of really suck?

Aside from the lack of job, girlfriend in constant state of flux, the absolutely horrendous school issue, dad gone for two months, uncle moving away for good, or my general unhealth, I guess things are great.

Because see, now I feel inclined to balance that with the good. It's not even a desicion, I just type. Like, my writing is going well, and kate loves me, and I um, my uh...I have a cat, and...stuff...and...well...yeah. Good things. awesome. 

Honest though, it really is somewhere in between. I wish I could say that this is just pessimism winning out, but that doesn't feel right.

I just need summer. I know it sounds cliche, but it is not because of the warm weather and strange feeling of relaxation that is tied to that season. If all this had happened in summer, I'd be wishing for fall, and so on. I just need (yet another) fresh start. 

-I am taking a handful of classes this summer to fix this terms bumps, and hope that goes well. 
-In my mind, Aj of summer is working in a job that suits his fancy. No food, no neo-slave labor groceryish store, just a place that feels okay. I don't think I'm askign too much. Any book/electronic store. Or even dept. store. Or something I haven't come upon yet.
-The main atrraction to this summer however, of course, is the fact that kate will be here. No more phone drama, no more time limit everything, no more internet heartbreaking. With her here it will feel like Life again, instead of Life-on-pause, thriving on two-and-change days a week. I would not be able to go into detail enough here or anywhere else about how much better everything will be. Really.

Four weeks. One month to the day as of yesterday. I can't believe how far away that feels. I just think that so much can change for me in that time that it's unusually ridiculous. It is also a strange experiance because i think a lot of the things im waiting for/counting on are in the hands of others. i have very little control of the state of the things I listed above, and that my friend, is one of the most terrifiying feelings I have ever had. 

Believe it or not, all this is teaching me to have Faith. not in a diety or force, but in people. I have always believed that despite the evil everyone's capable of, that people are good inside. Now i am lying down on the tracks and putting that theory to the test.

SO, all i can say is that I will hopefully be on this website one month from now gushing about how great work is, and how excited I am for summer classes, and how unexplainably amazing Life is with my girlfriend back home with me again. because I can't help but fear reading this past in the future and breaking down at how naive I was being. 

So yeah. Fingers crossed and whatnot. 

Be seeing you.

Hanging on.

thank the winds for escapes, though. like grindhouse and comic books. fun is the best. I am happy that unlike people I see everywhere, i allow myself to have unadulterated, unthought fun. thats a good feeling amongst a torrent. yeesh.


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